When I last left you on this post:
I was hanging from a cliff on the island of Hedogenia, debating whether to jump, or face the chubby, drooling schoolteacher and her sister from Nigasaki.
My fate lie in the balance. Should I chance surviving the jump into these rough, rocky waters, or should I allow myself to be dragged back to Nigasaki by these man-hungry, stout, yet rugged women of the other island.
I contemplated. I knew I was no match for these ladies in my frail state after my long, exhausting swim to Hedogenia. But I balanced that against the very low probability of survival from the leap off this rocky cliff. Frightened by the decision, I froze!
But suddenly the decision was taken from me. I felt the claws of chubby little fingers at my back. Before I knew it I was completely in her grasp. Clinging to me, like the untrimmed fat of a good ribeye steak, was the Nigasaki schoolteacher.
The ledge was too small for both of us, or even just her. I lost my balance and together we plunged toward our rocky deaths. Oh no! How could it end like this!? With so much left to explore I would surely perish in the arms of an over zealous schoolteacher.
In an instant my life flashed before me. I remembered my 2nd grade encounter on the first day of school with my new schoolteacher. My mother gave me an apple as a peace offering to this strict lady. I sat at my desk summoning the courage to give it to her. When finally I stood to walk bravely toward her, red orb in hand, she angrily leered at me and demanded, "Get back in your seat little boy!"
But.... it's a McIntosh. Doesn't she understand how sweet and juicy this is? Paralyzed, I could hardly move. All the clsssroom eyes were upon me. My first day of school and my hind end publicly exposed as this lady spanks my bare hiney with her harsh words.
In retrospect, I should have thrown the delicious delight at her. At least I would have ended with a better story to tell than this poor, pathetic boy who peed his pants in front of his peers.
Ok, that was a long flashback in 2.5 seconds. But, it served to sum up all my fury against schoolteachers in general. With the little strength I had left, I maneuvered the position of our embrace such that she would hit the rocky ledges first. If we were going to die together, I was going to make sure she went first!
We landed. Luckily it was on a flat rock and not one the many jagged edged ones. Then, to my amazement, I found the words of Yukon Cornelius from the Rudolph the Rednose Reindeer story to ring true. When he went off the cliff with the Abominable Snowman, he lived to tell us all that, "Bumbles bounce!"
That's exactly what we did! All those years of eating those candied treats the children brought her paid off in a big way! Her ample derrière hit the rock first. The compression of all that excess cellulite served as a spring to propel us out to a more calmer area of the sea. We survived! But to what end ? Was I any better off than before? At least if we died this nightmare would be over.
Just then I heard a cry, like a Water Buffalo whose young calf just got taken by hyenas, (ok, I admit, I really have no idea what that sounds like), the on-ledge sister screamed, "I'm coming sis!" With that she took off running.
I had no idea the laws of physics allowed such things, but she propelled herself a good 35 meters horizontally from the cliff's edge. I've heard of adrenaline surges allowing Herculean efforts, but c'mon man. I didn't have the time to calculate the energy required to generate that kind of momentum, but I was quite sure it was outside the realm of human achievement. Regardless, this human mass was headed our way.
By now the exhausted schoolteacher had loosened her grip on me (yes, she never let go the entire time!), making it possible for my escape. I broke free, listening to her hysterical screams. I think she cried, "Get back here my love!." But all I heard was, "Get back in your seat little boy!" And with that, a little more pee escaped to the ocean.
I looked up and I saw the broken laws of physics approach. Oh no! I survived the fall only to be crushed by this cannonball Nigasaki diver! I panicked. But nothing could I do but endure the inevitable. I braced myself and took a deep breath.
She missed me! But the ensuing tsunami was significant. It lifted me high into the air and propelled me at sonic speed toward......?????
I think I lost consciousness. The next thing I remember was the resuscitating lips of a stranger breathing life back into my impoverished being. I survived! Against all odds, I made it! Unbelievable! No more adventures for me. This is my last one.
But then I looked up. It was, of course, the plump lips of the Nigasaki schoolteacher who brought me back to life. Should I thank her for saving me? Or slap her for killing me in the first place?
Before I could decide, I looked up and noticed all the men standing around watching. I didn't know it at the time, but we had shored ourselves on the island of Trempini, an island that had lost all their women to Hedogenia. But they never went to war, the cowards. They stayed home without the women. I guess those women weren't worth fighting for.
After I was sufficiently resuscitated, I could see the schoolteacher of Nigasaki getting a lot of attention from the men of this island. Suddenly this frail, old body of mine didn't look so good. She quickly realized she was the belle of this ball, and she dropped my recently recovered head in the sand as fast as the brussel sprouts she dropped from her fork when her mother wasn't looking as a child. The schoolteacher had her choice of men, and her choice certainty was not me!
Well, I'm glad to say this story had a happy ending for the schoolteacher from Nigasaki. But I wonder what ever happened to her sister?
Perhaps that's another story.......
All accounts here are fictional except one. Can you guess which event was true?
Yeah, you know. That pathetic boy who was humiliated in class by his second grade teacher. It really was a delicious McIntosh too!
There's actually a good ending to that true story. It was discovered I was in the wrong class! I was supposed to be in the class with the nice teacher. What a relief to only spend two hours with that wicked witch of the 2nd grade.
I left her class with my pee soaked pants, laughing all the way down the hallway, with those sweet Mac juices running down my chin.