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  • Writer's pictureKirk

My Mars Adventure- Conclusion

It's time to bring an end to this crazy story. I realize most of you reading this post don't believe I actually built the quantum leap machine and visited Mars. Despite my proof of pictures of an actual Martian, and the obvious Mars landscape, many of you remain sceptics. I apologize I have no further proof to offer you. But I can finish this amazing story.


I last left you here:


Having rebuffed the affections of my pretend sister-in-law, I lay at the mercy of her Martian guards. They were not happy at my apparent show of disrespect and they had all pulled their ray guns and pointed them at me. I had no idea what a ray gun could do to me, but I was fairly certain it was bad.


I intuitively threw up my hands in surrender but they took it as an act of aggression. One of the guards fired his weapon on me and zapped me. It hit my left hand. I think the Martian only wanted to wound me.


I looked at my hand and saw it was just a little red, like a sunburn. I realized then that I was being zapped with UVB rays. The same rays that cause sunburn. Apparently these rays are deadly to Martians but simply a mild irritant to Earthlings.


I began to laugh at the realization. This just angered the other guards and they all set their ray guns to maximum force and zapped me. Well, I turned a little redder, but not even peeling yet.


When they saw the ray guns had no effect, they resorted to physical violence. There were about ten guardsmen there now and they all converged on me. But all they did was spit on me! It was disgusting for sure, but not very intimidating. I quickly realized these Martians didn't know how to fight. But I did! And I fight dirty!


I picked up some red Mars dirt and threw it in the eyes of two of them. They both ran screaming to their Supreme Leader crying, what I think in Martian language as, "Mommy, mommy, look what the mean earthling did to us!"


Well, now my sunburn began to peel and I was really agitated. There were only eight of them left now and they were still spitting on me! Ironically, the spit helped to soothe my burning skin, but that was beside the point. Those disgusting Martians must pay!


They were wise to my dirt throwing tactic and covered their eyes. This was my opportunity as now they could not see it coming. As a reminder, here is what the Martians looked like:


Well, I couldn't stand to see those hideous naked boobies any longer. So, while they had their eyes closed I took the braziers I had packed for my trip (please don't ask why I packed them), and placed them on their hideous protuberances. One by one I did this to all eight of the remaining guardsmen.


Then, to my horror, I began to see them falling to the ground, one by one. It was as if they were gasping for oxygen. I hadn't realized at the time, there was a reason for their exposure. Martians breathe through their nipples! How was I to know?


I had no idea how easy it was to defeat these Martians. They were no match for this senior earthling. I felt so powerful! Now I knew how Chrysanthum (the name of the Supreme Leader, also known as €€¥), came to power. She was stronger than I am so naturally they feared her!


Now €€¥ watched all this in horror. All her guardswomen were quickly neutralized. She feared now that they may bow to me as their new Supreme Leader. In her fear she quickly bargained with me.


"How about a free transport back to earth?", she offered. Turns out she did bring a quantum leap machine with her.


But I knew I held all the chips now. I was not going to make this easy. I remembered back on our history. How she had tormented me on the island of Hedogenia:


I responded, "Yes, I will take your offer, but only if you destroy your machine after you send me back. I want to be sure I never see your hideous body again!"


This was a risk, as I knew she was stronger than I was, but I weighed that against her desire to remain top dog here. She readily agreed, to my slight surprise.


She got her quantum leap machine and set the dials appropriately, then pointed at me and off I went. Quantum leaps are instant. They require no time to occur. I was gone from Mars. My alien encounter was over. But where did she put me?


Well, I wasn't as smart as I thought I was, sure she kept her bargain, but I never specified where on earth to be returned. The cunning freak of nature did it again. She sent me back to the ancient village where the lady was to wed that tree:


How did she know of my hasty departure from there? Now what do I do? Those angry villagers were still after me for butting my nose in on that wedding that ended in the death of that beautiful lady after Paul cut down that tree.


Out of the frying pan and into the fire. But that's another story....


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