Did I ever tell you about the time I was captured by a terrorist off the remote waters of Borneo Island? Really? I forgot that one?
Well I was minding my own business, as this nosy old American always does, while walking the tip of Borneo Island:
I was confused where to go next on my adventure as there were many choices:
My confusion didn't last long. Soon my choice was taken from me. I had heard of these terrorist boat people in the South China Sea, but I never thought they came this far west. But here they were!
I was just walking along the Borneo coast when suddenly from the bushes I was waylaid! Quickly I was escorted to a nearby boat and off we went into the South China Sea.
It happened so fast I barely had time to take a selfie to document! Good thing the terrorist was so photogenic.
Off we went to a remote island ....somewhere. All I know is that it was a mountainous island and we did a lot of climbing:
I expected they would torture me for a few days or more to get information out of me. Since I had no information other than the local weather, I knew this could get nasty. I had just clipped my fingernails, so I hoped they wouldn't immediately start pulling those out!
Instead they began their torture by tickling my feet. Wait, how did they know that was my weakness? It was terrible. I could hardly stand it! Please pull my fingernails instead! Anything but this!
After 20 minutes of this torture I could stand it no more. I lied! I told them I was a spy for the government and I was there to infiltrate their organization. What else could I do? I couldn't bear it any longer!
They were satisfied with my response, but not happy with it. They said they wouldn't kill me...yet. But I needed to be taken to their head witch doctor and she would decide my fate. So off we went, further up the mountain to see the witch doctor:
She was much younger than I thought she would be.. but I had no doubt she had the power to determine my fate. But what would it be? At this point I didn't care just as long it wasn't more of that feet tickling.
She didn't even greet me upon arrival. The men explained their case in their language and I just stood there looking at my poor feet. Then, without speaking she waved her stick at me and said some mumble jumble stuff.
Suddenly I could feel myself changing. What had this evil woman done to me? I suddenly felt much denser than I did before but I didn't know why. I could see the men staring at me, and suddenly they begin to laugh. What are they laughing at I wondered.
Then I looked at myself, and realized exactly what she had done.
She turned me into one of those fat, stout pigmy men! Was that my punishment for my falsely confessed crime? I suddenly realized these terrorist people were not very nice. Where were their manners? Didn't they know I was a guest on their island?
I didn't have time to dwell on that now. I had to return to my old form, or maybe even a little better if possible. I needed to find a cure for this thing. But where?
Luckily for me, my captors were still yukking it up. They apparently took great joy in my new form. But, it provided me the opportunity to sneak away as they laughed with one another regarding my misfortune. I stealthily took my hideous new body away from the chaotic scene.
But where would I go? I realized quickly if there was a remedy to my situation it must lie with that evil witch doctor (or is it doctress?). I escaped to her hut and with the help of several nearby crates, I was able to climb and slip through a side window.
Once inside I saw an array of evil,magic potions, but, these in particular caught my eye;
There must be an answer to my problem here! But which combination of potions do I use? I had no idea but I had to try something. I ended up mixing equal portions of all three in a jar with water and drinking it.
I could immediately feel its effects. I got dizzy at first. Then a strange feeling came over me. A deep desire to wallow in mud. And then it happened, my sudden and final transformation:
It's very hard typing these posts with pig's feet!