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  • Writer's pictureKirk

The Tree that would be Wed

During one of my remote adventures I came across a village with an ancient tree. The tree wasn't all that spectacular looking, I've certainly seen more impressive ones, but this tree was different. This one was getting a lot of attention.

As it is my inquisitive nature, I asked a local resident what was the dealio here. Why are they so interested in this tree? Well, I thought nothing could surprise me anymore, but this did. A local informed me this tree was popular because a local lady had fallen in love with the tree and they were soon to be wed. In fact, the wedding was only 3 days away.

That's when I noticed the girl who proposed to the tree along with her wedding photographer:

What a strange thing to do! I mean, where could they possibly go on their honeymoon? Did this girl think it through? Where would they live? In a treehouse in its branches? If they divorce, who gets the seedlings?

Wanting to set things right, I thought it best if I counsel this young lady on the potential ramifications of her decision. So, in my typical nosy style, I inserted myself into the situation.

I found the young lady and I posed the questions I had pondered earlier. To which she replied, "Love is blind to these things. I only know that I love that big masculine tree."

I responded, "But please be practical young lady. How can you possibly have a future together? That tree is 150 years old and you're still a young lady. He's far too old for you. Do you really want to be pruning his branches the rest of your life while he just sits there? Are you prepared to wipe that tree's butt when he can't control himself and starts dropping acorns all over the place?"

"Why don't you mind your own business you nosy old American", was her response. "What do you think, you can save the world or something?"

Well, I didn't know that was such a common response to nosy Americans around the world! But, that response never deterred me before. I told her for her own good, I was going to stop this nonsensical wedding.

But she was undeterred. She told me that was one rugged tree and I would need a lot of help if I thought I could stand between this union. She further said if I didn't mind my own business she would tell her fiancé to kick my butt. Suddenly I got knocked on my caboose by what felt like a rugged branch. Dang! I was standing too close to her suitor.

Well, now I was just angry. I stick my nose in to try to save this girl from herself and I get nothing but disrespect from her and a swat from this bully of a boyfriend. Now I was on a mission.

I knew I was going to need some help here. The first thing I needed was a weapon. But what kind of weapon to fight against this huge tree. I got it! A huge axe! And I remembered just where to find one:

Yes, I had to travel all the way to Canada for this one, but it was worth it. Now I was ready for that arboreal beast. Swat me will he? I'll teach him!

So I carried the biggest axe in the world with me to stop these nefarious nuptials. But, when I reached the tree of her affections I realized I could drag the axe but not lift it. How could I possibly cut this husband-to-be down to size?

Then I remembered an old friend of mine from Rumford, Maine:

Surely Paul would be willing to help me out on this one. So I called him up and told him I would use my airline points for two first class tickets (he couldn't possibly fit into one seat) if he would lend a hand. But I told him his blue ox, Babe, would have to remain behind. After all, I only have so many airline miles

Paul was happy to oblige and caught the next plane. Now I was ready to stop this unholy union.

Back to the tree, and with my most evil grin, I was ready to even the score with this human swatting, lady killer. As Paul arrived with the big axe I had given him, we were ready to put an end to this crazy situation.

But the tree's fiancé saw what we were to do and came running at me. "Stop!", she cried. "I love him!"

But I would not be swayed by her emotions. "This is for your own good", I told her. But she was hysterical.

I turned to my big brute of a friend and cried, "Quickly Paul, do your job! I didn't spend 350,000 airline miles so you could sit around. Now cut that tree down!"

And with one mighty swing of the biggest axe in the world he felled that tree. "Timber!!!!", he yelled as it started its descent to the ground.

I had tried to hold the young girl back up to this point, but she slipped from my grasp at the last second.

"My love!", she screamed as she ran toward her falling fiancée with opened arms. Those were the last words she ever spoke. Her uncompassionate betrothed fell on her and crushed her lower than her 75 IQ.

I just stared in amazement. How could it end like this? All this nosy, old American wanted to do was to save her world, and instead she lay crushed in a bloody branch embrace.

But now I had a bigger concern. The villagers quickly learned of the event and the angry mob was headed my way. I knew I could not outrun them, so I yelled to Paul, "C'mon Paul, let's get out of here! Put me on your shoulders and use your long legs to save our butts!".

With that we were off. The villagers could not catch the swift Paul Bunyan with his long strides. I turned to give the mob a raspberry taunt as I watched them give me the single finger wave.

What a relief! We just barely escaped with our lives! I now had time to reflect and realize how lucky we were (and how unlucky the mentally impaired young girl was). I hope I can control myself in the future and just keep my nose out of other people's business. Nah.... probably not.

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